My journey part one: the story I haven't told you
Yesterday marks the 5 year anniversary of the day that I made a decision that would change the course of my life. 5 years ago, following nothing more than a gut feeling that I was destined for more, I walked into my soul sucking job (aka the career I had spent a decade building) and quit. I then bought a one way ticket to Bali and embarked on a life changing solo journey to “find myself”.
But that’s not the story I want to tell you today.
My journey starts years before that. And that’s the story I want to tell you. The story only a few know.Let’s go back in time to the fall of 2008.The weather was changing and my heart was broken into so many pieces I never thought I would survive. As the leaves fell, so did the tears. They came whenever and wherever they pleased. I remember looking down on my own body and I was unrecognizable to myself. It was like watching a train wreck that I had no control over.But the truth is, it was never about the heartbreak. The heartbreak was the catalyst that set me over the edge and made me face what I had spent my entire life running from… myself.
Up until this point, I never truly loved myself or allowed myself to feel this so-called happiness. I never thought I was worthy of it.
I had been avoiding myself and my pain as long as I could remember. I had been in long term relationships since I was 15. I would live with one guy and then use my next (ex) boyfriend’s truck to move me out. I moved on like the wind and never looked back.The unhappiness would catch up with me, but to quiet the scream of my soul, I would move onto the next guy; leaving a path of destruction in broken hearts and lost loves.I preoccupied my mind with working two jobs, being successful, going to school fulltime, and endless back-to-back serious relationships - changing my persona and life goals to match the guy I was dating.
And there I was in the fall of 2008, literally fallen apart with 11 years (or a lifetime) of unhappiness and pain pouring out of my eyes.
The picture above sums up this period of my life. I had dyed my hair dark brown as if changing my hair color could mask the sadness that consumed me.My normal tendency was to hop right back into another relationship, but I knew the only relationship I could or should be in was one with myself.I spent the next several years being single and getting to know myself… who was Emily Jean Atkinson?... I didn’t have a fucking clue. I healed old wounds, dove deep into self-growth, and spent several years cultivating a relationship with the most important person in my life, myself. It felt like an uphill journey - one step forward and two steps back - but I was committed to the relationship I was building with myself.Eventually I would quit my career, walk away from life as I knew it and embark on a radical journey of transformation, but I’ll tell you that part of the story next week - for now let’s stay in the shadow years.
Why am I telling you this?
Well, for several reasons…One, our deepest pain is often the greatest catalyst for healing and transformation.
The darkness is what shapes us to be who we are. It is in the shadows that we learn to rise; that we find what we are made of, and who we are meant to be.
Growth is often messy and uncomfortable. I know the space of - “Holy shit what am I supposed to do with my life? I’m a fucking train wreck and so unhappy“ - can be a really difficult place to be.If you’re there right now or have ever been there, I bow to you Sister.And please know this, YOU WILL RISE. YOU WILL OVERCOME THIS. But for now, you’re exactly where you’re meant to be.
Sometimes we have to fall apart to fall together again. Like a phoenix, we must die and then rise from the ashes being reborn into the women we’re meant to become.
Embrace the messy. You may not see it now, or tomorrow, or even a year from now, but at some point you’ll look back on this time and feel compassion and maybe even gratitude for this period of your life.Now that woman with dark brown hair and sadness in her eyes seems like a stranger to me. I love her dearly and if I could back in time I would hold her in my arms as she fell apart. I would look her in the eyes and tell her that she was worthy, that she would find this so-called happiness and SO MUCH MORE.I feel grateful for her because without her I would not be the woman I am today. I can’t wait to share with you the next part of my journey but for now, I invite you to leave a comment below.Remember Sister… you will rise and we’ll rise together in sisterhood.I am always here for you.Infinite gratitude and peace,
XO,
Em